I am not a very sociable person. I mean, I’m interested in people, I love to have good conversations, and I’ll dance in public pretty much anytime – I’m really not what you’d call shy. But somehow, the particular combination of skills you need for keeping up with social plans every night of the week, going to parties where you have to make noncommittal, chitty-chatty small talk with strangers for hours without accidentally saying something that makes one of them feel weird (oops), absorbing the huge amount of emotional information that goes pinging around a room full of people – whatever those skills are, I don’t have ’em. The effort exhausts me, and if I’ve had to “go out” too often in too short a period of time, it drains my life force and makes me pissy and mean, depressed and restless and resentful toward the poor other people involved, who are most likely just doing their best to get along and are probably suffering to varying degrees along with me. I mean, they might be suffering. I guess it’s possible some of them are actually enjoying the party.
Anyway, after a couple weeks of too much of this kind of socializing, today was magnificently quiet. I finally got a decent night’s sleep last night, and I woke up feeling worn-out and battered in that gorgeous way, when you’re so rested your body almost aches from it. I went for a long, long walk through residential city neighborhoods, which is my favorite way to spend time with myself, and then I read some of an old issue of Parabola magazine that I found at a thrift store for 29 cents on my birthday last week (thrift store shopping being my favorite way to celebrate my birthday). Parabola is smart and gentle and nuanced, like a person you’d feel lucky to know. In this issue (Spring 2005), I found a poem by a Greek poet named C.P. Cavafy (1863-1933) called “As Much As You Can.” I think it’s okay to post it here because it’s also available to read on this official website of the Cavafy Archive. The website has a few different translations of it (Cavafy mostly wrote in his native Greek), but here’s the one that was published in the magazine, translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard:
As Much As You Can
Even if you can’t shape your life the way you want,
at least try as much as you can
not to degrade it
by too much contact with the world,
by too much activity and talk.
Do not degrade it by dragging it along,
taking it around and exposing it so often
to the daily silliness
of social relations and parties,
until it comes to seem a boring hanger-on.
Reading this poem, I felt a rush of comfort come over me. I saw and was seen. It was like getting an extra week of days like today, all the time I needed to heal and rest and become whole again.